It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like…..

Monday, November 28th, 2011

My heart is torn as I see the world around me unfolding into the beautiful display of celebration. For so many this is a hard season to endure. We all know them….maybe we are them… The one who’s only been sober for a week and wondering how on earth to face a holiday without alcohol. The one who can count the days since their loved one passed. The one who’s lost count of the days since their loved one walked out. So many are hurting. So many are hungry….for so many things.

I have to believe He’s bigger than this, than me, than the burdens we carry. I believe there are moments of mending. If only we are given the grace to see them. Lord gives us eyes to see Your hand during this season. Give us courage and insight to BE Your hands. Help us to love beyond ourselves. Help us to be peace on earth. Thank You….

Click here for a sweet reminder —->

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Frozen Solid

Friday, October 16th, 2009

“Tell me I can do this.” I asked a friend at school as I headed toward the door. “You can do this.” she gave with a smile. “Now…tell me again when I get to the door.” “You can DO THIS!!!!!”

one foot in front of the other

I stepped onto Poyntz Avenue and kept stepping until I reached a business office. I took a deep breath, entered, walked up a flight of stairs, into an office while trying to steady my breath and began a conversation that ended with an appointment. Mission accomplished. Sounds easy enough but for me it felt a bit like slipping my entire body into ice cold water. Here’s the beauty, where I normally would have drowned in fear, today I fought back and came up breathing.

Walking into that office, I was someone I’d been told I should not be, could not be for years and being that person in those moments made it easier to be her in the next and the next and even in this very moment. I was ME and I was strong and I was not buying into the lie that there is something less in me than the next person.

stepping out

We all have them ~ those moments ~ frozen solid in our minds. Stepping back onto Poyntz Avenue after making that appointment was crystalized in my mind today. As chunks of lies and insecurities fell off of me, freedom and beauty shot up in their place. I nearly ran back to school and found my friend in the hall. “I did it! I did it!” I told her through tears. It’s interesting, this process of mending and growing and becoming whole. And these frozen moments are a sacred thing, reminding us that we are not forgotten and that there is indeed hope.

This song speaks a wee bit of romance between a man and a woman but I’m knee deep in the enchantment of finding life is not over and that’s why I love it. Click on the water and enjoy.swimm

One Story

Saturday, September 12th, 2009

Last night I wandered in Target for a bit after dropping the boys off at their dad’s. They love spending time with him so it’s a nice relaxer at the end of the week. I meandered down the book aisle where I would normally salivate at all the possible adventures hidden behind each jacket. Something was missing. There was no lack of beautiful fonts, intriging titles and captivating images but there was no appeal. More than a promise of escape the books seemed to be in competition with my own life.

As not every thought can be plastered on a blog, I’ve written some of my journey and emailed it to a friend. She knows me well and has a knack for hearing my heart. “You need to keep writing”, she encouraged yesterday. I think as artists, we often get stuck in our minds if we don’t put the brush to the canvas or the melody in the air or the fingers to the keyboard.

So, last night as tiredness cloaked my brain, I feared that reading even one sentence of another person’s life (real or ficticious) would crowd out the words of my own story. It is an odd thing how writing can tell me who I am and where I’ve been. But it does. It pieces together the fragments, frayed ends and all. And oddly, as I stood there in the aisle, too tired to smile, too frayed to care, when normally I’d want an escape I was so completely satisfied and excited to be in a moment where the story of my life and all of it’s glory and mess and Love and heartache and redemption was the only one I wanted to read.

Not surprisingly, by the time I left the store this song was dancing around in my head and I smiled at how perfectly art imitates life and vise versa. Click the picture and enjoy the reminder that yours too is a journey just as vivid as those books on the shelf. 🙂

unwritten

Pretty, it ain’t

Monday, August 10th, 2009

For the last 2 weeks, I’ve been sharing my 2 bedroom apartment with my soon to be ex-husband. His apartment will be ready in a week. I share the living room with what seems like 2 tons of boxes delivered 2 days ago. I share my bathroom with 2 cats. I share my futon with my laptop and the occasional snack. And I’m trying very hard to share the best of me with my 2 boys.

All the while, I find myself wanting to document this great, quiet, confident change, this coming of age [though middle it may be] with grace and dignity. I want to tell a tale of great balance and character as I move forward ….but you know, it is real life. It is my life and it is loud and clangy and when it IS quiet, well, it’s the clamy handed, nervous eye twitching kind of quiet. I’m constantly trying to remind myself to “cling not to the things you normally seek for security”. So, instead of buying pretty, shiney things, I just wander and wander for hours upon hours down the aisles of Target telling myself, “nope. no. unuh. don’t need it.” Instead of splurging on Starbucks, I get an empty cup from Panera for less than 2 bucks and fill it with sugars, skim milk and dark roast and act like it tastes just as good. I sip this going down the lanes of Target.

As I wait for said roomate and his belongings to move out, my sons’ schools to start, my school to start, my new church to be found, my weight to be lost, my hair to grow out,  my new “life” to begin, I find that I’m tempted to pick up old bondage and shake it like a package under the Christmas tree. Funny how waiting can make standards drop and dreams fade. 

You know, all of my life I’ve struggled with that desire for change to be “pretty”. It is what is and pretty it ain’t but maybe that’s where grace shines through…knowing it’s strong enough for my knee-knocking growth. Hoping. 🙂

song o hoping
click the worrier for song o hopin’

Kung Fu Grip

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

…so, i don’t have it all figured out –

 what i believe. 

but

there are a few things i can grab onto and i am. i’m grabbing, holding, clinging and guarding it against my chest like it’s my last dime…or maybe…the last piece of chocolate. 

here’s some of what i know: there is something bigger than me, stronger than me, better than me and, i believe, it longs to shelter me and protect me the way i want to protect my children, only even more and stronger and better than i’ll ever be able to do for them. and somehow…it will help smooth out the messes in my life and set me on a path of love and joy and healthy freedom.

img_5049

If…

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

If I could look the fearful in the eye, I would tell them to be brave. Not because they feel brave but because they want something better. There’s a deception in fear. It tells us to pull back and hide in the shadows of guilt cast down from our walls of lies. We think if we can just stay there that somehow we’ll be safe. Maybe temporarily. Maybe.

I think of a quote I heard forever ago, “He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” [Jim Elliot] Maybe sometimes the thing we think promises us safety is the very thing that’ll tear us down in the end. What if coming clean meant somehow we really could start over, really could have a new beginning, a second chance? What if admitting we’re broken meant we could become whole? I know how that sounds but seriously ~ What if finally asking for help is the one thing you’ll end up being so proud of?

What if all it takes ( to get from here/misery to there/a better place) is not knowing what to do but just saying, “I have no idea how to fix this but I’m here and I’ll do what it takes.”   I believe that all of us, deep inside, have what it takes to do the things we fear. That will look different for each of us and it may mean one thing today and another tomorrow – but we don’t have to worry about tomorrow. What’s the scarey thing you need to do today?  Somewhere, in this world or beyond there is enough grace out there – for all of our mistakes, all of our lies. Come clean – we’re all weak. We’ve all screwed up. Some of us more than others. Hiding behind it doesn’t lessen the guilt or the consequences. It only makes it more difficult, more isolating.

No doubt – it will get more difficult for a while. There’ll be moments of it feeling like “all hell’s broke loose”. But what is more like your idea of hell ~ being in constant fear, wondering when your world is going to come crashing down, wondering how it’s going to happen? Or seeing it crashing down but knowing help is on its way?                  ….You can do this.

…all of us, deep inside, have what it takes to do the things we fear.

 

One song

Friday, August 29th, 2008

It’s been a wierd year for me and my faith – well, couple of years actually. A bit of walking away, running away, staying away, falling down and crawling back to something, Someone who knows my name and is big enough to handle me, in my selective memory, trying to recall His. And while music is so much a part of me, there were months when I just couldn’t sing the songs I used to sing to celebrate that faith. But there was one song – one song that somehow, even at my worst, I could sing to myself. My friend Mindy had shared it with me and it continues to do something to me. . .  deep inside of me. When nothing else in life made sense and I didn’t care to hear what did or didn’t make sense to anyone else, somewhere deep inside my heart could still believe these words.  SO, turn on your speakers, click here, listen. I think you’ll be glad you did. —> I Belong by Kathryn Scott

In Between

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

So, here I am.

I’m not exactly sure where “here” is but I know that it’s in between where I was and where I’m going. Maybe that’s true all the time…but this is a bit different. Weeks ago, I looked back at my life. I saw who I was, where I’d been, what I’d done and not done and I knew deep within me that I desperately needed change. Problem was, wasn’t sure of the where, how and whats. So I started doing anything to tell myself that I would never go back to what had been. After months of nothing I started reading again,  singing again and got better aquainted with my toes via Yoga.

Finally, I’ve started going to Yoga classes – My first class I sweated more than I thought possible. My second class my whole body shook as I strained to keep proper balance and control and strength. Instead of feeling embarrassed by my lack of strength and skill, I felt elated, giddy and thankful, deeply, deeply thankful that I am doing something new in my life, challenging in my life, healthy in my life.

My body and mind and I are working together for the good of each other. In those moments of peace, I have hope – hope for the unknown of where I’m going. I’m moving forward.