Archive for the ‘Baby Steps’ Category

Frozen Solid

Friday, October 16th, 2009

“Tell me I can do this.” I asked a friend at school as I headed toward the door. “You can do this.” she gave with a smile. “Now…tell me again when I get to the door.” “You can DO THIS!!!!!”

one foot in front of the other

I stepped onto Poyntz Avenue and kept stepping until I reached a business office. I took a deep breath, entered, walked up a flight of stairs, into an office while trying to steady my breath and began a conversation that ended with an appointment. Mission accomplished. Sounds easy enough but for me it felt a bit like slipping my entire body into ice cold water. Here’s the beauty, where I normally would have drowned in fear, today I fought back and came up breathing.

Walking into that office, I was someone I’d been told I should not be, could not be for years and being that person in those moments made it easier to be her in the next and the next and even in this very moment. I was ME and I was strong and I was not buying into the lie that there is something less in me than the next person.

stepping out

We all have them ~ those moments ~ frozen solid in our minds. Stepping back onto Poyntz Avenue after making that appointment was crystalized in my mind today. As chunks of lies and insecurities fell off of me, freedom and beauty shot up in their place. I nearly ran back to school and found my friend in the hall. “I did it! I did it!” I told her through tears. It’s interesting, this process of mending and growing and becoming whole. And these frozen moments are a sacred thing, reminding us that we are not forgotten and that there is indeed hope.

This song speaks a wee bit of romance between a man and a woman but I’m knee deep in the enchantment of finding life is not over and that’s why I love it. Click on the water and enjoy.swimm

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Pretty, it ain’t

Monday, August 10th, 2009

For the last 2 weeks, I’ve been sharing my 2 bedroom apartment with my soon to be ex-husband. His apartment will be ready in a week. I share the living room with what seems like 2 tons of boxes delivered 2 days ago. I share my bathroom with 2 cats. I share my futon with my laptop and the occasional snack. And I’m trying very hard to share the best of me with my 2 boys.

All the while, I find myself wanting to document this great, quiet, confident change, this coming of age [though middle it may be] with grace and dignity. I want to tell a tale of great balance and character as I move forward ….but you know, it is real life. It is my life and it is loud and clangy and when it IS quiet, well, it’s the clamy handed, nervous eye twitching kind of quiet. I’m constantly trying to remind myself to “cling not to the things you normally seek for security”. So, instead of buying pretty, shiney things, I just wander and wander for hours upon hours down the aisles of Target telling myself, “nope. no. unuh. don’t need it.” Instead of splurging on Starbucks, I get an empty cup from Panera for less than 2 bucks and fill it with sugars, skim milk and dark roast and act like it tastes just as good. I sip this going down the lanes of Target.

As I wait for said roomate and his belongings to move out, my sons’ schools to start, my school to start, my new church to be found, my weight to be lost, my hair to grow out,  my new “life” to begin, I find that I’m tempted to pick up old bondage and shake it like a package under the Christmas tree. Funny how waiting can make standards drop and dreams fade. 

You know, all of my life I’ve struggled with that desire for change to be “pretty”. It is what is and pretty it ain’t but maybe that’s where grace shines through…knowing it’s strong enough for my knee-knocking growth. Hoping. 🙂

song o hoping
click the worrier for song o hopin’