Archive for the ‘faith’ Category

Frozen Solid

Friday, October 16th, 2009

“Tell me I can do this.” I asked a friend at school as I headed toward the door. “You can do this.” she gave with a smile. “Now…tell me again when I get to the door.” “You can DO THIS!!!!!”

one foot in front of the other

I stepped onto Poyntz Avenue and kept stepping until I reached a business office. I took a deep breath, entered, walked up a flight of stairs, into an office while trying to steady my breath and began a conversation that ended with an appointment. Mission accomplished. Sounds easy enough but for me it felt a bit like slipping my entire body into ice cold water. Here’s the beauty, where I normally would have drowned in fear, today I fought back and came up breathing.

Walking into that office, I was someone I’d been told I should not be, could not be for years and being that person in those moments made it easier to be her in the next and the next and even in this very moment. I was ME and I was strong and I was not buying into the lie that there is something less in me than the next person.

stepping out

We all have them ~ those moments ~ frozen solid in our minds. Stepping back onto Poyntz Avenue after making that appointment was crystalized in my mind today. As chunks of lies and insecurities fell off of me, freedom and beauty shot up in their place. I nearly ran back to school and found my friend in the hall. “I did it! I did it!” I told her through tears. It’s interesting, this process of mending and growing and becoming whole. And these frozen moments are a sacred thing, reminding us that we are not forgotten and that there is indeed hope.

This song speaks a wee bit of romance between a man and a woman but I’m knee deep in the enchantment of finding life is not over and that’s why I love it. Click on the water and enjoy.swimm

One Story

Saturday, September 12th, 2009

Last night I wandered in Target for a bit after dropping the boys off at their dad’s. They love spending time with him so it’s a nice relaxer at the end of the week. I meandered down the book aisle where I would normally salivate at all the possible adventures hidden behind each jacket. Something was missing. There was no lack of beautiful fonts, intriging titles and captivating images but there was no appeal. More than a promise of escape the books seemed to be in competition with my own life.

As not every thought can be plastered on a blog, I’ve written some of my journey and emailed it to a friend. She knows me well and has a knack for hearing my heart. “You need to keep writing”, she encouraged yesterday. I think as artists, we often get stuck in our minds if we don’t put the brush to the canvas or the melody in the air or the fingers to the keyboard.

So, last night as tiredness cloaked my brain, I feared that reading even one sentence of another person’s life (real or ficticious) would crowd out the words of my own story. It is an odd thing how writing can tell me who I am and where I’ve been. But it does. It pieces together the fragments, frayed ends and all. And oddly, as I stood there in the aisle, too tired to smile, too frayed to care, when normally I’d want an escape I was so completely satisfied and excited to be in a moment where the story of my life and all of it’s glory and mess and Love and heartache and redemption was the only one I wanted to read.

Not surprisingly, by the time I left the store this song was dancing around in my head and I smiled at how perfectly art imitates life and vise versa. Click the picture and enjoy the reminder that yours too is a journey just as vivid as those books on the shelf. 🙂

unwritten

Kung Fu Grip

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

…so, i don’t have it all figured out –

 what i believe. 

but

there are a few things i can grab onto and i am. i’m grabbing, holding, clinging and guarding it against my chest like it’s my last dime…or maybe…the last piece of chocolate. 

here’s some of what i know: there is something bigger than me, stronger than me, better than me and, i believe, it longs to shelter me and protect me the way i want to protect my children, only even more and stronger and better than i’ll ever be able to do for them. and somehow…it will help smooth out the messes in my life and set me on a path of love and joy and healthy freedom.

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One song

Friday, August 29th, 2008

It’s been a wierd year for me and my faith – well, couple of years actually. A bit of walking away, running away, staying away, falling down and crawling back to something, Someone who knows my name and is big enough to handle me, in my selective memory, trying to recall His. And while music is so much a part of me, there were months when I just couldn’t sing the songs I used to sing to celebrate that faith. But there was one song – one song that somehow, even at my worst, I could sing to myself. My friend Mindy had shared it with me and it continues to do something to me. . .  deep inside of me. When nothing else in life made sense and I didn’t care to hear what did or didn’t make sense to anyone else, somewhere deep inside my heart could still believe these words.  SO, turn on your speakers, click here, listen. I think you’ll be glad you did. —> I Belong by Kathryn Scott