Archive for the ‘stretching’ Category

Frozen Solid

Friday, October 16th, 2009

“Tell me I can do this.” I asked a friend at school as I headed toward the door. “You can do this.” she gave with a smile. “Now…tell me again when I get to the door.” “You can DO THIS!!!!!”

one foot in front of the other

I stepped onto Poyntz Avenue and kept stepping until I reached a business office. I took a deep breath, entered, walked up a flight of stairs, into an office while trying to steady my breath and began a conversation that ended with an appointment. Mission accomplished. Sounds easy enough but for me it felt a bit like slipping my entire body into ice cold water. Here’s the beauty, where I normally would have drowned in fear, today I fought back and came up breathing.

Walking into that office, I was someone I’d been told I should not be, could not be for years and being that person in those moments made it easier to be her in the next and the next and even in this very moment. I was ME and I was strong and I was not buying into the lie that there is something less in me than the next person.

stepping out

We all have them ~ those moments ~ frozen solid in our minds. Stepping back onto Poyntz Avenue after making that appointment was crystalized in my mind today. As chunks of lies and insecurities fell off of me, freedom and beauty shot up in their place. I nearly ran back to school and found my friend in the hall. “I did it! I did it!” I told her through tears. It’s interesting, this process of mending and growing and becoming whole. And these frozen moments are a sacred thing, reminding us that we are not forgotten and that there is indeed hope.

This song speaks a wee bit of romance between a man and a woman but I’m knee deep in the enchantment of finding life is not over and that’s why I love it. Click on the water and enjoy.swimm



Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

If I could look the fearful in the eye, I would tell them to be brave. Not because they feel brave but because they want something better. There’s a deception in fear. It tells us to pull back and hide in the shadows of guilt cast down from our walls of lies. We think if we can just stay there that somehow we’ll be safe. Maybe temporarily. Maybe.

I think of a quote I heard forever ago, “He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” [Jim Elliot] Maybe sometimes the thing we think promises us safety is the very thing that’ll tear us down in the end. What if coming clean meant somehow we really could start over, really could have a new beginning, a second chance? What if admitting we’re broken meant we could become whole? I know how that sounds but seriously ~ What if finally asking for help is the one thing you’ll end up being so proud of?

What if all it takes ( to get from here/misery to there/a better place) is not knowing what to do but just saying, “I have no idea how to fix this but I’m here and I’ll do what it takes.”   I believe that all of us, deep inside, have what it takes to do the things we fear. That will look different for each of us and it may mean one thing today and another tomorrow – but we don’t have to worry about tomorrow. What’s the scarey thing you need to do today?  Somewhere, in this world or beyond there is enough grace out there – for all of our mistakes, all of our lies. Come clean – we’re all weak. We’ve all screwed up. Some of us more than others. Hiding behind it doesn’t lessen the guilt or the consequences. It only makes it more difficult, more isolating.

No doubt – it will get more difficult for a while. There’ll be moments of it feeling like “all hell’s broke loose”. But what is more like your idea of hell ~ being in constant fear, wondering when your world is going to come crashing down, wondering how it’s going to happen? Or seeing it crashing down but knowing help is on its way?                  ….You can do this.

…all of us, deep inside, have what it takes to do the things we fear.


In Between

Wednesday, August 6th, 2008

So, here I am.

I’m not exactly sure where “here” is but I know that it’s in between where I was and where I’m going. Maybe that’s true all the time…but this is a bit different. Weeks ago, I looked back at my life. I saw who I was, where I’d been, what I’d done and not done and I knew deep within me that I desperately needed change. Problem was, wasn’t sure of the where, how and whats. So I started doing anything to tell myself that I would never go back to what had been. After months of nothing I started reading again,  singing again and got better aquainted with my toes via Yoga.

Finally, I’ve started going to Yoga classes – My first class I sweated more than I thought possible. My second class my whole body shook as I strained to keep proper balance and control and strength. Instead of feeling embarrassed by my lack of strength and skill, I felt elated, giddy and thankful, deeply, deeply thankful that I am doing something new in my life, challenging in my life, healthy in my life.

My body and mind and I are working together for the good of each other. In those moments of peace, I have hope – hope for the unknown of where I’m going. I’m moving forward.